12 ways to avoid marrying the wrong person
Here are the things you need to consider before walking down the aisle with your partner
12 ways to avoid marrying the wrong person.
Don’t marry the potential
Men often consider marrying a woman hoping she will never change, while a woman thinks about marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Do not assume that you can change a person after you are married to them or that they will reach their potential.
There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are, then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things like ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
Choose Character on Chemistry | avoid marrying the wrong person
While chemistry and attraction are undoubtedly important, character precedes both of them. A famous quote follows: “Chemistry lights fire, but character keeps it alight.”
The idea of falling in love should never be the only reason to marry someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, and happiness. Here is a breakdown of each stretch:
Humility | avoid marrying the wrong person
the humble person never makes requests to people, but rather is always good for them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
Kindness | avoid marrying the wrong person
The kind person is the donor par excellence. They try to please and minimize the pain of others. To find out if a person is a donor, look at how he treats his family, siblings, and parents. Are they grateful to their parents for all they have done for them?
If not, know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t need to be nice to (e.g. waiters, salespeople, employees, etc.)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
Responsibility | avoid marrying the wrong person
A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, work, and character. You can rely on this person and trust what she says.
Happiness | avoid marrying the wrong person
A happy person is satisfied with their part in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
Don’t neglect your partner’s emotional needs
Both men and women have emotional needs, and for a partnership to be successful, those needs must be met mutually. A woman’s basic emotional need is to be loved. A man’s basic emotional need is to be respected and appreciated.
To make a woman feel loved, give her the three AAAs: attention, affection, and appreciation. To make a man feel loved, give him the three RRRs: respect, reassurance, and relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure that the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is satisfied with the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive.
When a man takes his wife’s emotional needs seriously, she will feel more encouraged to satisfy her intimate desires. Likewise, when a woman takes her husband’s emotional needs seriously, she will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love, and appreciation she desires from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
Avoid opposing life plans
In marriage, you can grow together or separate. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chances of growing together. You need to know what the person is in. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they’re involved in?”
The more specifically you define yourself, that is, your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the greater the chances you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with. Remember, before deciding who to take with you on a trip, you should first understand your destination.
Avoid premarital physical/intimate activity
Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has commanded us to abstain from intimacy before marriage; they serve to prevent serious harm and to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship becomes physical ahead of time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go by the wayside. As a result, everything is fictionalized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them. Intellectual engagement must be established before emotional or intimate engagement.
Avoid the lack of emotional connection
- There are four questions you need to answer YES:
- Do I respect and admire this person?
- What do I respect and admire in particular about this person?
- Do I trust this person?
- Can I rely on them?
- Do I trust their judgment?
- Do I trust their word?
- Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel safe?
- Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?
- Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself?
- Can I be open?
- Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust it now, that won’t change when you are married!
Pay attention to your emotional anxiety
Choosing someone you don’t feel emotionally safe with is not a good recipe for a lasting, loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify if you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel that you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel that you cannot really express yourself and you always walk on eggshells, then it is very likely that you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things
Control Behavior | avoid marrying the wrong person
This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab, and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and requests. Requests are a control expression and if the requests are implied then you have to do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
Anger Issues | avoid marrying the wrong person
This is someone who raises their voice regularly, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses humiliation and curses against you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this kind of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from violent backgrounds. If this is your case or someone you know, get help immediately. Address these issues before you get married or before you even think about getting married.
Pay attention to the lack of openness in your partner
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion right from the start. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely sure I want to marry this person?” “What worries me about this person or the relationship?” It is very important to identify what is bothering you, the things that concern you, and the things that you are afraid to bring into question. So you need to have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Raising issues when there is a conflict is a great opportunity to truly assess how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication that they don’t work well as a team. Equally important is being vulnerable to each other. Ask deep questions about each other and see how your partner responds. How do they manage it? Am I on the defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Are they annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore him? Do they hide it or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say, but see how they say it!
Beware of avoiding personal liability
It is very important to remember that no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking that someone else will satisfy them and improve their lives and this is why they get married. People don’t realize that if they are unhappy as single, they will continue to be unhappy when they get married. If you are not satisfied with yourself at the moment, you don’t like yourself, you don’t like the direction your life is going, it’s important to take responsibility now and work to improve those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these problems into your marriage and hope your partner solves them.
Pay attention to the lack of emotional health and availability in your potential partner
Many people choose partners who are not emotionally healthy or available. A big problem is that when a partner is unable to balance emotional bonds with family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people instead of two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and carries that relationship into marriage; this is undoubtedly a recipe for disaster. Equally important to consider are the following:
Avoid people who are emotionally empty on the inside
These include people who don’t like themselves because they don’t have the ability to be emotionally available. They are always worried about their shortcomings, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in constant struggle with depression, they never feel well, they are isolated, they are critical and judgmental; they tend not to have close friends, and often distrust or fear people. Another clear indication about them is that they always feel that their needs are not being met; they have a sense of entitlement and get angry when they feel that people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by the needs of others and resent them. These people may not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
Never marry an addict
Addictions can also limit a partner’s level of willingness to build a strong emotional relationship. Addictions aren’t limited to drugs and alcohol. They can relate to addictions and addictions to work, the Internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone is addicted, they will not and cannot be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you, avoid marrying the wrong person.
Furthermore, a successful marriage maintains the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship also includes the spiritual and emotional side. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and prosperous marriage, avoid marrying the wrong person.